


sometime around midnight (it ends and starts)

by mjfeelz



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 18:05:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14795348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjfeelz/pseuds/mjfeelz
Summary: She loved and loved and loved, and maybe she was loved in return.(love isn't always enough)





	sometime around midnight (it ends and starts)

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally posted as an interlude for my story, [a supercut of us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12260553/chapters/27862320), but it also works as a standalone so i decided to post it as a oneshot.
> 
> the context is that Camila is working through her feelings for Lauren while making music for CC2, so there's a lyric associated with every scene.
> 
> if you like reading while listening to music, [this playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/0gkloeja4lyza9rvhk4ouzwbx/playlist/3HbxoHwc43NY8XEo2w0QCr?si=t0gfANHcSjydU0X_qcbx2w) has the songs with the lyrics referenced/adapted in the order they appear; [this one](https://open.spotify.com/user/0gkloeja4lyza9rvhk4ouzwbx/playlist/5ajtbLdCJkzhyqrUBiorpb?si=MX2pbSOfR32xnNOpF4x2vA) is more emotionally resonant with the feeling of the overall piece.
> 
> there's some Spanish here and there, but you can find the translations in the first comment.

_"The stereotypical heart shape was meant to be two hearts fused together." - Anonymous_

__

 

_have no fear / for when i’m alone / i’ll be better off than i was before_

 

It’s December 19th 2016 and Camila is alone on her bed, tears streaming down her face. She knew it was coming, she knew  _what_  was coming, but she still somehow wasn’t prepared for how it would hit her, a punch breaking through her chest to squeeze her heart and burn her lungs.

Fifth Harmony’s first statement had been so dry and she had hers ready to go for the sake of whatever circus their management had set up, even though she’d waited several hours until she posted it.

Now there’s a second Fifth Harmony statement and she hadn’t been expecting that. Each line brings with it a new set of tears and she isn’t sure there’s enough water in her body for all the pain she’s carrying inside.

Everything is ugly. So, so ugly, and unnecessarily cruel too, to all the fans caught blindsided and who held on to the band in its original formation for many different reasons.

She doesn’t know where it all went wrong. She doesn’t like thinking about how much of it might be her responsibility – something to be blamed on her dreams, her ambition, her desire for freedom. On her broken heart and her brutal reactions to it.

It doesn’t matter.

The leap of faith has been taken and a new life is about to begin.

 

*

_i tried to say that i was sorry to you / but you don't think i speak honestly / that's okay ‘cause i can move on now_

 

Camila passes past Dinah and Normani hugging in the hallway and rushes to their dressing room, eager to get rid of her stage outfit and just…  _leave_. Lucy is there – of course she is – but Camila only offers a small smile to the girl’s awkward wave.

They both know what’s about to happen, there’s no point in playing pretend.

She throws her Florida Panthers jersey to the floor and quickly changes into the clothes her mom had packed for her earlier. Not so fast she doesn’t get to see Lauren walking in and rolling her eyes at her one last time before approaching Lucy.

Camila scoffs at the childishness. So many nights of secrets shared and kisses stolen reduced to spite and resentment. She can’t resist staring for a moment though; can’t resist one final bout of masochism as she watches Lauren hide her face in the crook of Lucy’s neck and swallow a sob; can’t resist the tug at her heartstrings that makes her move closer instead of away, resting a hesitant hand on the small of Lauren’s back.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, to Lucy’s nod of acknowledgment and Lauren’s sharp intake of breath.

She leaves then, practically running out of the venue until she’s halted by a familiar voice:

“That’s it?” Dinah asks, a hurt, offended edge to her tone. “You’re just gonna bolt? Without even saying goodbye?”

“Cheechee.” Camila sighs, turning to see her friend’s face washed in tears. “Isn’t this already hard enough?”

“Just come over here and give me a hug, you asshole,” Dinah orders, hands frantic in their beckoning.

Camila does as she’s told, and she cries in Dinah’s arms all the farewells she’d avoided, all the apologies she’d left unsaid and all the excuses she’d come up with for how much pain she’d caused everyone.

 

*

 

_you were fashionably sensitive / but too cool to care_

 

When their tour manager walks into the studio they’re rehearsing at to tell them Lauren isn’t going to perform with them because she’s been detained at Dulles Airport for weed possession, Camila laughs for hours.

She isn’t even sure why she laughs so hard, it just seems like such a  _Lauren_  thing to happen and she can’t help how she feels amused, annoyed and endeared, all at the same time.

Normani is really angry and Ally shrugs it off as if it doesn’t bother her. Dinah joins Camila in her laughter and the jokes about  _Orange is the New Black_  and 420 and Lauren as a sloppy dealer keep coming until it’s time for the concert.

The Brazilians are loud and loving as usual, exuberant in their enjoyment of the music, and making Camila smile from the moment she steps on stage.

It almost makes up for how they scream for Lauren and Camila lets a “Sing it for my girl!” slip out that sobers her mood.

The emptiness in her chest for what’s about to be the definite end of the story of her and Lauren doesn’t quite let her smile as brightly again.

 

*

 

_it's time to trust my instincts / close my eyes / and leap_

 

Roger calls her when she’s cuddled up with her mom and Ashlee, watching  _Little Miss Sunshine_.

_“Have you checked Twitter?!”_

She yawns into the receiver, not to be mean on purpose, but because she’s tired and the mere thought of social media is emotionally draining. “I was watching a movie, so no. Do you need me to do some damage control? Did anything happen?”

 _"Camila,_ Bad Things _just got to number one on iTunes!”_  the man yells, more excited than a pre-schooler at Disneyland.  _“This is great news! Everything we’ve fought so hard for! You’re gonna be huge and this is just the beginning!”_

She squeals, energy levels suddenly in hyper mode, and shares the news with the two women present, who scream as loud as she does, clapping and jumping about for the embarrassing whole of ten minutes.

Hours later, when she finds her way to bed, she’s still ecstatic. More than the success of the song, it’s the hope that maybe, just maybe, for at least this one time, the huge chance she’s about to take won’t end in a complete failure.

 

*

 

_the love she receives is the love that is mine_

 

Camila has been staring for what feels like an eternity at the same Billboard article open on her MacBook, Lauren’s words going around in circles inside her head:  _‘I am a bisexual Cuban-American woman and I am so proud of it.’_

She saw it coming, obviously. Lauren had been itching to be out and about as soon as she’d gotten Lucy between her sheets and, after those kissing pictures had been leaked, it was only a matter of time until the world was certain of what many already suspected.

Expecting it wasn’t making it any easier though. Camila’s been fluctuating between extreme jealousy, unadulterated rage and paralyzing sadness ever since setting eyes on those stupid photos.

A wedding. Lauren had taken Lucy as a date to her uncle’s wedding and proceeded to kiss her in front of everyone, in front of her family. With Camila, only their bandmates knew, and that was mostly because it  _is_  kind of difficult to hide certain sounds in a tour bus.

Now everyone knows. Lauren’s deepest darkest secret, something she’d kept even from herself, is out in the open. Camila blinks, grabbing her phone to check Twitter. Her entire timeline is congratulating Lauren, crying over Lauren, declaring their love for Lauren.

Everyone except Lucy, that is.

It makes Camila wonder. About Lucy and how much she’d agreed to this. About herself and how much she isn’t sure she’d enjoy being involved in this. The idea of queer kids having someone to look up to warms her heart, but she isn’t quite so fond of how the world isn’t ready for people that stray from the norm. She doesn’t want to be known as ‘bisexual singer Camila Cabello’ or as ‘pansexual singer Camila Cabello’ – does the general public even know what pansexual is? She doesn’t want to have fans and interviewers alike badgering her about her sexuality and love life. She is proud to carry the Latinx flag – so much of her, of who she  _is_ , is her culture –, but she doesn’t think of her sexuality as an important part of herself.

In truth, so much of her sexual discovery journey was done together with and relating to Lauren that she has learned to separate herself from her sexuality. She has distanced herself from it to a degree where she barely thinks of it as something pertaining to her, more as something that vaguely concerns her on very bad days.

She pretends it’s normal to disregard your sexuality – after all, isn’t that what heterosexual people do? – and goes back to scrolling down her timeline like the masochist she’s turned into, a bittersweet mix of being happy for Lauren and being irreparably annoyed at her.

When she finally sends out a  _‘Bravo **@LaurenJauregui**  so proud of you’_, she lies, she lies, she lies.

 

*

 

_it’s too bad you had to have a better half / she's not really my type / but i think you two are forever / and i hate to say it, but you're perfect together_

 

There’s a diner right outside the area where the tour buses are parked and Camila is craving a banana shake like burning, so she makes a run for it when the choreographer gives them a 15-minute break. There’s nobody in line so she rushes to the counter, a beam on her face as she orders her personal elixir of life.

“Camila!” she hears someone call just as she gets her drink, a voice she recognizes despite not caring to. She turns around slowly, preparing a smile she struggles to mask as real, and spots Lucy at a table by the window, a laptop and books spread in front of her. “Come sit. Are you on break?”

“Yeah,” Camila answers, sliding down the other side of the booth. She folds both hands around the stem of the glass to stop them from fidgeting. Lucy’s always made her nervous.

The fact that she’s Lauren’s girlfriend now has only made that  _worse_.

“Let’s say I didn’t see Lauren’s text,” Lucy jokes, with a wink and a toothy grin. “You okay?” she adds, tilting her head to the side and replacing the grin with a frown.

“Of course,” Camila says, a little too quickly, a bit too shakily. “Just tired.”

Lucy doesn’t seem to believe her, but to her credit, she doesn’t push it. Instead, she starts talking about the summer readings she has to do for college and the extra readings she added to that because she’s found this philosophical school of thought that she finds fascinating and she wants to learn about it as much as she can.

Camila just stares and listens, smiling and nodding in all the appropriate places, too aware of her heart breaking in pieces that are tinier and spikier than she ever thought possible.

Lucy is confident and witty and gorgeous and unbearably smart and Camila wants to hate her, but mostly she hates herself for all the ways she could never compare.

 

*

 

_it felt like you really knew me / now it feels like you see through me_

 

Going through with concerts has been hard lately. Their fans’ love is inspiring and pumps her up, but pretending everything is okay – maintaining the illusion that keeps them invested in a group of five girls brought together by circumstance who became the best of friends – is taking a toll on her already not very stable emotional and mental state.

Today is particularly difficult. Something is off about Lauren, her smiles never quite reaching her eyes, her attention scattered and unfocused. Even after all this time, Camila is still hyper-aware of Lauren, of her movements and her moods, and so her heart inevitably shrinks in her chest when Lauren starts crying during  _No Way_ , her part taken over by the screaming audience.

Camila’s instinct is to go to Lauren and hold her in her arms, but she can’t do that and, seeing that Normani is approaching to offer support, she takes a deep breath and walks to the edge of the stage, sticking to whatever passes as  _No Way_ ’s choreography.

When the song finally, finally ends, she returns to the stage’s staircase, halting close to where Lauren is sitting.

“You okay?” she mouths, fingers itching to touch her.

Lauren looks up, her eyes shining with the familiar glow that Camila  _knows_  only tears give them, and nods just once, averting her gaze right after as if that mere gesture had burned her.

It feels like a knife stabbing every place in Camila’s body that had once been touched by Lauren and she recoils, stepping to the side and as far away from her as possible.

She hadn’t expected to lose her best friend, their banter and their comfort, in the process of falling out of love.

(she never knew you could miss a person you see every day.)

 

*

 

_why did you leave me here to burn? / i’m way too young to be this hurt / i feel doomed in hotel rooms staring straight up at the wall / counting wounds and i am trying to numb them all / do you care? do you care?_

 

On a subconscious level, Camila knew Lucy was coming with them. It’s hard not to when the girl was sitting two rows behind her on their flight to London to promote  _7/27_. On a more conscious level, it took seeing Lucy going up the stairs of the hotel entrance with Nala under her arm for Camila to get it.

A love so serious they’re travelling together, risking the watchful public eye offering opinions and speculation. A love so serious Camila’s unlocked doors have remained shut.

That night, she listens to them talking and laughing, sounds of joy and intimacy she’s started to forget how to make, her eyes stubbornly focused on the wall of their adjacent rooms. It doesn’t take long for those sounds to become  _something else_  and it’s only then that Camila stands up, in a fit of bitterness and hatred, and locks herself in the bathroom.

Pain is an excellent conductor of art, they say.

It better fucking be, she thinks, desperately trying to match music notes to lyrics she would pay to never have felt the need to write.

 

*

 

_if you don’t need me / just let me go_

 

“Kaki!” Sofi shouts, excitement interwoven through every syllable as she runs up the stairs. “Lauren is here!”

Camila frowns, setting down the book she’d been trying too hard to read on the bed, but Lauren is standing by the bedroom door before she has time to recover from the surprise.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, standing up too suddenly, like she’s been caught red-handed.

(is it too much to dream Lauren is here because she misses her?)

“I saw the leak.”

Camila scoffs, fists clenching so the pain of her nails digging her palms prevents the tears from coming. “You took the time to come to my house, during our vacations, to come yell at me because of  _my_  privacy being invaded?! After shutting me out of your life for months?!”

Lauren closes the door behind her and leans against it. There’s an indecisive kind of scowl on her face, flickering from confused to angry and settling on disbelief.

“I just…” she tries to say, her tone low and lost, eyes locking with Camila’s. “The N-word?”

Camila wishes – oh, how Camila wishes – that she could be calm and collected for this. But Lauren had pretty much been ignoring her since the start of her relationship with Lucy, and  _this_  is what she chooses as a reason to break the silence?

 _Fuck_  being calm and collected.

“I was 15!” she shouts, one fist uncurling so her hand is loose and wild in the space between them. “I’m sorry I didn’t come out of the womb woke and illuminated like Jesus fucking Christ! I was born and raised among Latinos and you  _know_  how insidious racism can be in our community!”

Lauren winces, dropping her gaze to the floor.

“I was wrong, I made a mistake – I made lots of mistakes, as you can probably tell from living with me for almost four years and going through a leak you had no right to see!” She crosses her arms, trying to rein in her irritation without much success. “What’s next? You’re gonna scold me for insulting Ally? You’re gonna talk to me from your high and mighty Lauren throne and pretend you never trash-talked any of us in texts with your friends? Pretend you never trash-talked  _me_?”

“Ok, I have to give you that one, but you were just so  _mean_  about all of it,” Lauren whines after a beat.

Camila huffs, not believing what she’s hearing. “Oh, like you’re so full of grace when you go on rants on Twitter?”

Lauren looks like she’s about to retaliate but she thinks better of it. “I have no business being here, do I?” she asks instead, a flash of recognition sparking the amber specks of her eyes.

“You do not, Lauren. I have heard more than enough from Roger and Epic, I don’t need you to rub more salt in the wound.” Camila sighs, defensive posture deflating. “Why are you here?”

Lauren averts her eyes, bottom lip disappearing behind white, nervous teeth.

“It’s because of Michael, isn’t it?”

Lauren nods.

“You didn’t know?”

Lauren nods again.

“Guess you were too busy prancing around with Lucy to notice,” she can’t help but jab. “It’s over already anyway.” There’s an awkward minute of silence where they study each other like the almost lovers they once were and Camila feels young and naïve like she did then – for just a fleeting moment. ”Why can’t you let anyone want me?”

 _Not even you_ , she doesn’t say.

Lauren looks startled by the question, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “This is stupid. I should go.”

“You should,” Camila agrees. “Be grateful I stopped breathing even a word about us on my phone or you’d be haunted by ‘camren is real’ until the end of your days,” she adds spitefully to her retreating back.

The way Lauren flinches and freezes claws at something inside her chest; a whimsical longing, or a flimsy hope perhaps.

“Bye, Camila.”

 

*

 

_the only thing that makes you grow / is to dive into the sweet unknown / the only thing that breaks your bones / is when you don't know where it hurts the most_

 

Dinah catches up to her in the lobby as Camila stares undecidedly at the watercooler, plastic cup in hand.

“Don’t take the cold one,” Dinah says, grabbing her wrist to place it under the right tap and pushing the button for her. “You were still coughing yesterday.”

Camila smiles, watching as her friend pours herself a cup.

“Are you scared?” Dinah asks.

“A little,” Camila admits around a shrug. “But this is what’s best for me.”

“What about what’s best for us?”

“Dinah,” she sighs, moving to sit on one of the chairs in the reception area of Epic’s office building. “They just throw songs at us and don’t let us be anything but puppets. I want more than this.”

“You didn’t seem to feel so strongly about it in the summer.” Dinah rolls her eyes, taking a seat next to her. In the distance, they can hear the voices of Lauren and Normani still arguing with one of the lawyers.

“That was before.”

“Before Lucy?”

“Yeah.”

Dinah shakes her head, her breaths slow and deliberate. “I get that,” she says at last, placing a hand on Camila’s knee. “It’s just… You and Lauren are everyone’s favorites, you’ll be fine. But what about Mani and Ally? What about me?” She wipes at her eye with the side of her finger, always too conscious of ruining her make-up. “Who am I without Fifth Harmony?”

Camila’s heart cracks and she wraps an arm around Dinah’s waist, resting her head on her shoulder. “We’re gonna have to find out.”

 

*

 

_all the ghosts / they float, float around us / how they turned all our dreams into dust_

 

Shawn Mendes is a sweet guy and they get along great from the moment they’re introduced by their managers. He has a song half-written that he plays for her on his guitar, his scratchy voice causing her to smile, and it isn’t long before she is doing runs to go along with his verses.

The song is finished in less than a month and she forgets to tell her bandmates about it until there’s only two weeks left from release date. She doesn’t do it on purpose. Between her fallout with Normani, her non-existing relationship with Ally and the pain even hearing Lauren’s name instills in her, all that she has left is Dinah and she’d been so excited to be part of the creative process for once that informing her had slipped her mind.

Unsurprisingly, her actions cause a rift in the band. What does surprise her is how she can’t be bothered to care. She’d dreamed of making music with Lauren, of words and melodies representing the best of them coming together to blow the world away, but that had turned out to be nothing but smoke and mirrors.

If she can’t have her dreams of love, she’ll dream of her own Art being out there impacting the world.

She needs only herself for that.

 

*

 

_i’m up going through crazy shit i did for you / in my mind, in my head / seeing all the words i’ve said_

 

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” Camila repeats under her breath, pacing back and forth in the hotel room.

“Mija, estás asustándome,” Sinu says, watching her from where she’s seated on the edge of the bed. “Ven acá,” she commands, extending her hand. “Habla conmigo.”

Camila scowls at her mother but accepts the extended hand that pulls her until she too is sat on the bed.

“Three years, mami! Tres años of waiting around in the shadows, of being patient and giving her all my heart while putting up with her crap–” She pauses, takes a deep breath. “Tres años pensando que ella estaba lideando con su sexualidad, pensando que necesitaba tiempo y espacio, and now she has a girlfriend that she introduces to everybody?!”

Sinu winces, sneaking an arm around her ribs to bring her closer.

“What did I do wrong? What does she have that I don’t have?! ¿Es porque es más alta? Because she smokes weed and I don’t? Is it the husky voice?” Camila grips her mom’s leg, digging her fingers in so deep she shakes it against her will.  _“What is it?!”_

“No creo que el problema seas tú o incluso la Lucía, ni siquiera Lauren. La gente ama a quien ama, no es algo que se pueda elegir,” Sinu tells her, hand rubbing up and down her back. “Maybe… Maybe it's time we accepted that Lauren never had it in her to love you back as you deserve to be loved.”

Camila stares at her mother for a long moment, biting her bottom lip impossibly hard because she doesn’t want to cry, not again, not anymore. But the tears win the fight and she hugs Sinu in a mess of whimpers and hiccups and broken sobs. “I can’t, mami. I can’t do this anymore. Get me out of here.” She cries and cries and cries some more, echoing the same words like a prayer, “Get me out of here. Please, please, get me out of here.”

“Hay un manager que me abordó, interesado en representarte,” Sinu eventually says, when Camila’s pain quietens down to drained, hopeless breaths. She squeezes her daughter, the tiniest bit tighter. “I’ll call him to schedule an appointment.”

 

*

 

_her green eyes blew goodbyes / with her head in her hands / and her kiss on the lips of another_

 

It’s a day much like any other early Fall day. The sun is shining, the clouds in the sky not enough to threaten its warm golden light. It’s not too hot though, there’s a cool breeze making sure everyone is out with light jackets on. It has all the elements of a promising day, people roam about with a skip in their step and almost smiles on their faces.

It’s a day Camila wakes up happy, engaging in an endless banter with Dinah as soon as the other girl leaves her bunk.

It’s the day everything changes.

They’re on lunch break, using that precious time to rest as horizontally as possible, when Lauren enters the tour bus, pulling an embarrassed Lucy along with her.

“Hey, guys!” she calls out, watching as four heads pop up from different spots. “Can you come here, please?”

The girls all gather in the lounge area, with varying expressions of interest. Camila leans against the table, her arms crossed to fight off how on edge she’s feeling due to Lucy’s presence.

“What up, Ralph?” Dinah prompts, to Ally’s excited nod and Normani’s head tilt.

Lauren takes a deep breath, exchanging a meaningful glance with Lucy before exhaling, “Lucy and I are dating.”

Camila’s heart freezes inside her chest and a weak “What?” leaves her lips without her consent.

But Lauren doesn’t look at her. She focuses all her attention on the rest of the girls, she hugs them and laughs with them as she receives their congratulations, and somehow manages to avoid Camila the entire time without raising suspicions.

Staring in disbelief at Lucy’s soft blush and Lauren’s overjoyed beam, Camila physically  _feels_  her heart shattering into a million different pieces – one for each illusion, for each moment of hope, for each time she’d told herself all Lauren needed was for her to wait just a little bit longer.

Something inside her snaps.

 

*

 

_your silence echoes in my ears / i guess you’re just oblivious / to all this love that still roars and sears_

 

Lauren seems happier these days. She’s actually making an effort during rehearsals, instead of slacking off the choreographies despite being a great dancer. She’s always joking around with Dinah and she’s generous in the hugs she distributes to them all, and their team too.

At night, whether they’re staying at a hotel or in their tour buses, she looks for Camila and they stay up talking for hours. Just talking, nothing else happens. It’s like in the very beginning, when they couldn’t stay away from each other.

It makes Camila feel happy, but she’s wary too. She loves Lauren’s attention, loves basking in it, loves returning the attention and see Lauren blush and smile her soft smiles. She loves feeling close to her, loves getting to know this older, more grown-up version of Lauren, who’s a bit jaded but still hopeful for positive changes.

They talk and whisper and Camila’s eyes shine with wonder and possibility. She wants nothing but to kiss Lauren senseless, to kiss her until she breathes all the air from Lauren’s lungs, and to make love to her until Lauren arches her back, and to bury her head between Lauren’s legs until she screams  _‘Camila!’_  in a broken, spent moan that runs like a shiver down her back.

Yes, Lauren’s happiness brings joy and giddiness to Camila, but she can’t shake off the sensation that this is just the calm before the storm, that she should hold on to each moment as if it was the last. She can’t help thinking she’s not seeing the whole picture, not yet.

Why else would Lauren give her so much attention but not give her the validation she’s been craving for so long?

 

*

 

_‘cause i can't take any more of this / i want to come apart / and dig myself a little hole / inside your precious heart_

 

It’s a recurring scene. Camila in her bunk bed reading a book, earbuds in as her phone plays a Taylor Swift album, with an all too American landscape she would fail to describe moving along with the bus outside her window.

Lauren’s visits are recurring too, curtains opening and closing faster than lightening until the girl is wrapped around her with a giggle and a kiss on the neck. She always steals one of Camila’s earbuds and they stay silent for long minutes, Lauren tracing goosebump-inducing shapes on the skin of her tummy, Camila reading the same sentence again and again.

They belt out the climax of  _All Too Well_  and turn to each other with shy, satisfied smiles, impossibly close in the twin-size bed.

Lauren’s face is marred by two pimples, one almost healed on the curve of her jaw, the other far from it in the center of her cheek. Camila watches her in awe, her drowsy eyes that glow with the sunlight, the widow’s peak in revolt because her hair is greasy from the shower she hasn’t taken yet.

She’s the most beautiful girl in the world like this, open and imperfect, and when she leans in, Camila’s breath catches until Lauren’s lips are on hers and Camila can taste warmth and sleep and fondness, so softly she sighs into the kiss.

It’s exhilarating and it envelops her like a far-too-big sweater and for a moment she forgets she’d promised herself she would ask for what she deserves.

“I can’t, Lauren,” she whispers, pulling away into empty air that they inhale together, foreheads joined. “I can’t keep being your in-between.” She moves her head backwards so she can stare into the eyes of the girl she’s been in love with for almost three years. “I want to be your all the time.”

Lauren furrows her brows, the same old fear flashing like a warning in her gaze, and Camila smiles despite herself when  _Sad Beautiful Tragic_  starts playing.

They lay together for hours, no words left to say, hands gentle and platonic in their strokes.

 

*

 

_don’t fool yourself / she was heartbreak from the moment that you met her_

 

“You need to stop doing that,” Normani says, and Camila has the distinct impression she shouldn’t be listening to this conversation but she’d forgotten her phone at the rehearsal studio.

“Do what?” Lauren asks, between audible gulps of water.

Camila halts behind the door, not daring to interrupt.

“Stringing Camila along,” Normani deadpans, and Camila can picture her perfectly: right hand on her hip, an already-too-done-for-this-conversation eye roll.

“Mind your own damn business, Mani.”

“I’m serious, Lauren. Either be friends or be something else. This game of running to her whenever you’re unhappy with your love life and cutting her out when everything’s fine is getting old.”

“Camila knows perfectly well that what we have isn’t serious,” Lauren snaps, and Camila cringes from her hiding place. “It’s just two friends hooking up sometimes, it’s not meant to be complicated.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“C’mon, you have to be blind not to see the hearts spilling out of her eyes whenever you’re around. You got that girl wrapped around your finger and you act like you’re both playing the same game.”

“She can make her own decisions and I  _never_ , not  _once_ , implied or promised her we’d be more than just whatever we are now!”

Camila leaves then, lungs heavy like lead, mind and heart at odds with each other in dissonance, her heart full of love, her mind filled with doubts.

She was so sure it was just a matter of time, but now she isn’t anymore. Maybe it’s time to follow Dinah’s advice. Maybe it’s finally time for her to talk to Lauren and get to set some terms too.

 

*

 

_i can feel you on my lips all the time / but i just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind_

 

Camila is going through endless interview and meet&greet photos from her fans, trying to find some of her and Lauren that are somehow both decent and innocent enough. There’s no way she’d post any of the selfies of them she has on her phone; Lauren would kill her, or at least go on a half hour rant that would leave everyone annoyed and exhausted. After some mindless browsing, she picks a few pictures and puts together a half-assed montage. It’s not like she ever claimed to be any good at creating visual art and she plans to make up for that with the birthday text anyway.

Lauren is out with her Miami friends who’d been spending their summer on a road trip and drove all the way to Hershey to spend the day with her. Camila had been invited, but she’d politely declined, wanting to give privacy to the group. She doesn’t feel very comfortable around Lauren’s friends anyway, who are all super pretty and super smart and super into teasing her to see her blushing and call her adorable. The fact that Lucy had come too – after a year or so of not really being in Lauren’s radar – had been the final push for Camila to decide to stay behind.

She takes a deep breath and starts typing. She would love nothing more than to pour her heart out, but not-so-secret feelings are meant to be kept in check and not exposed. And so she talks about what she likes about Lauren and what she likes about the two of them together. She throws in a line about the overwhelming underwhelmingness of boys that break their hearts to distract herself from the overwhelming overwhelmingness of what kissing Lauren does to her.

It really is true, something in her always knew, something in her was drawn to Lauren since the very first moment.

She hopes Lauren knows too.

 

*

 

_there is nothing in the world that we can count on / even that we will wake up is an assumption / come back to bed, my darling_

 

All the lights are off, but the room isn’t dark. Camila lies naked on the bed, eyes droopy with sleep, watching Lauren as she’s sat on the windowsill. She is naked too, one foot carelessly set on the armchair for support, and the cigarette in her hand burns alone rather than on her lips.

The city lights are giving her a golden glow that makes her seem almost unreal, as if an ethereal creature had accidentally landed in a random L.A. bedroom.

“Do you think we’ll ever be more than this?”

Camila sighs, her gaze traveling across the sheets of paper with lyrics scattered everywhere. “We already are more than this, they just won’t let us show it.”

“I want to write my own songs and dance when I feel like it,” Lauren whispers, blowing the smoke away in slow, structured waves. “I want to express myself as I am and not as a constructed product.”

“Fifth Harmony is a step in the right direction.” Camila shifts so she’s lying on her side, and a gust of wind prickles at her skin and caresses her nipples. “It’s doors closed but not locked, and windows we can climb through.”

Lauren looks at her then, putting away the cigarette. Her eyes are bright with unshed tears and Camila extends her hand, too lazy to get up, too loving to not want her near.

“At least we have each other.”

Camila nods, letting Lauren adjust to her body before draping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer. “At least we have each other.”

 

*

 

_it hurts it hurts it hurts / (your best friend is not your girlfriend)_

_“I don’t wanna be friends / I don’t wanna be friends,”_  Camila sings into a bottle of water as she performs in the empty common area.  _“Want your bad romance!”_

“What’s this bopping to Lady Gaga like it’s 2010, Chancho?” Dinah asks, pulling one of her earbuds out.

Camila jumps, hands to heart, and laughs as she spots her bandmate with a random magazine open in the horoscope page.

“ _Bad Romance_  is a timeless song,” she declares, very seriously.

“Also very appropriate in your case.” Dinah steals the improvised microphone away from her and sets it on the counter. “I was seeing here,” she starts, hitting Camila on the forehead with the rolled-up magazine, “that Pisces love suffering.”

“I don’t believe in astrology.”

“Well, you should, because you couldn’t be more Pisces if you took a crash course at Trump University.”

Camila scrunches up her nose, a bit disturbed by that particular visual. “Your point?”

“Look, I love you, I love Lauser, I  _was_  the proud captain of the SS Camren…” She plops down on the couch in a rather dramatic fashion. “But it’s just not fun anymore.”

“Always nice when your love life is the source of others’ entertainment,” Camila deadpans.

“Welcome to that glamorous celebrity life,” Dinah claps back, more insightful than her usual, carefully practiced cluelessness. “What I’m trying to get at here is that Lauren loves you very much and you love Lauren like, a  _lot_.” Camila furrows her brows and Dinah takes the opportunity to pull her onto her lap. “And you’re both dumbasses circling around each other and not saying what you truly want.”

“It’s complicated.”

“No, it isn’t. You’re just scared– don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady!” Dinah pokes her in the ribs and Camila snickers, twisting around to escape. “Look, just talk to her, tell her how you really feel. If she can’t or won’t give you what you want, then at least you’ll be free.”

“She knows,” Camila says weakly, a half-smile tweaking her lips upwards on the same side of her half-shrug. “She just needs time.”

Dinah raises one very doubtful eyebrow and releases a deep sigh after a long moment of silence. “Just talk to her, Camila. Love yourself more than you love her for once.”

 

*

 

_i'm thinking it over / the way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame_

 

Lauren’s lips taste of weed and alcohol as she stumbles into Camila’s bunk, shoes carelessly thrown to the floor before she settles on top of the other girl.

“Fuck, Camz,” she breathes out, in between bites and frantic tugs at clothes she wants gone. “I needed this so bad, you don’t understand.”

Camila really doesn’t. She’d been on the verge of sleep when she heard Lauren get back to the tour bus and this late night visit, while not unexpected, is quite surprising. Lauren craving her company in the middle of the night isn’t new. Lauren craving  _her_ , her body, her touch, with such abandonment, such relentless urgency? That’s a special event.

It doesn’t take long for her to feel fully in the moment. It takes even less for her to feel powerful and sensual, teasing Lauren in all the ways she knows drive her crazy, breathing dirty things into her ear and digging her nails into the curve of Lauren’s ass.

She comes first, teeth buried in her own forearm to keep the moans from coming out too loud, because Lauren had moved down to eat her out. Lauren doesn’t stop though. She licks and pulls and slurps, endlessly ravenous, and Camila comes again, so hard she thinks she might pass out.

“Do me now?” Lauren asks a few minutes later, biting her bottom lip with one eyebrow lifted, squeezed in between her and the wall already. Camila hadn’t even noticed her moving, but she complies with the request, pumping two fingers in and out at a fast pace until Lauren squeaks out a muffled moan.

They lie side by side, regaining their breaths, feeling their heartbeats slow down under each other’s fingertips.

Camila smiles, body relaxed and spent, but then Lauren shuffles and skims over her, sitting on the edge of the bed without bothering to collect her clothes.

“That was awesome,” she compliments, a self-satisfied grin only people who are high can truly pull off on her face. “Sleep tight, babe.”

She stumbles out of the bunk much the same way she’d stumbled into it, sloppy and reckless, and the noise of her bunk’s curtain opening sounds raucous and cruel in the silence of the dark.

Camila tries very, very hard not to feel alone, not to feel used and discarded as she curls up in fetal position, surrounded by Lauren’s scent and everything she had left behind.

(she fails.)

 

*

 

_kiss me, i’m dying / put your hands on my skin_

 

Award shows went from being exciting to being just another thing they have to do to follow Epic’s guidelines and to promote themselves. Some are better than others and the KCAs, as much as they all love children, really aren’t the most interesting event one can attend.

Camila’s been bored for one hour now and the show hasn’t even moved on to the music categories yet. Miraculously, Lauren had been okay with sitting next to her so she can make jokes about the whole thing. Unfortunately, sitting next to Lauren now that she’s single and they’ve been having sex on the regular is a heavy, unfair task on her hormones.

“Laur,” she drawls in her bedroom voice, warm breath invading Lauren’s cheek, “I really,  _really_  want to get on my knees and eat your pussy to the last… possible…” she licks the shell of her ear, “…drop.”

To anyone else, it would seem like Lauren doesn’t react, but Camila knows her too well, she’s too in tune with Lauren’s every sound and movement, she’s too in touch with Lauren’s rejections and concessions. There’s a sharp intake of breath and the hand between both their bodies curls up in a fist.

It’s exactly the reaction Camila had been hoping for.

She studies the side of Lauren’s face, the eyes, the lips. Then, she leans in again, “Meet me in the bathroom?”

Lauren nods, just once.

They return to their seats right on time for the announcement of the category Fifth Harmony’s been nominated for, and Camila takes great pleasure in how Lauren’s walk isn’t quite as elegant as usual.

 

*

 

_got a secret / can you keep it? / swear this one you'll save_

 

Running after a fan to recover Lauren’s phone isn’t something Camila had planned to do with her day, but here she is, running in uncomfortable high-heels because that’s what the stylist had stuck her into that day.

“Hey!” she shouts, grabbing the girl’s arm and forcing her to stop. “You can’t do that!”

Of course there’s now a small group of people surrounding them, witnessing every single word exchanged and probably ready to spread it to the world, so Camila needs to be careful.

“That’s not your phone,” she says, snatching it from the girl’s hand. “Stealing  _is_  wrong, you know?”

The fan goes on a long-winded explanation about how she planned to return it and she just wanted an excuse to approach Lauren, and about how she didn’t mean any harm and had no intentions of invading her privacy. Camila can’t quite control her face as she listens to, well, all the bullshit the girl is spewing, and she politely waits for her to finish before sending her on her way and return to the band. There are other fans claiming her attention now though, so she makes an effort to tend to them all, despite her anxious need to make sure everything is fine with Lauren’s phone.

Maybe it’s a bit reckless on her part considering how alone she  _isn’t_ , but she can’t wait any longer and thus she does just that: she punches in the password to unlock Lauren’s phone and quickly checks a few apps to see if nothing out of the ordinary had been sent to an unknown number or, worse, the internet. She’s vaguely aware of fans taking pictures of her as she’s on it, but there are more pressing matters at hand.

They really need to start deleting every single conversation they have online in case something like this happens again. There are way too many secrets lying in waiting that they can’t have anyone finding out.

 

*

 

_i think she broke up with her boyfriend again / but i don’t really care_

 

Camila doesn’t think Lauren’s thing with Brad is as serious as her relationship with Luis had been. She already had that impression, from how often Lauren would prefer to hang out with the girls instead of with her so-called boyfriend, and that had been further solidified by how easily Lauren, well, cheated on him. For the entire run of their relationship, Camila and Lauren would end up in a heavy make out session at least once a week, not to mention the amount of times those turned into sex.

She doesn’t understand what Lauren is doing with him. She never understood why they even started either, and so she dreams of Lauren trying to repress her feelings by throwing herself at a boy, and hopes she’ll eventually allow herself to love her back. Lauren isn’t exactly subtle in her affections – regardless of how aware she is of them – and Camila is quite sure Brad hates her, though that really isn’t her problem. He could write about it in a song, for all she cares.

It comes as no surprise when they finally break up. Lauren shares the news with a shrug and a sarcastic remark, so Camila knows she isn’t all that sad about the split.

What  _does_  upset Lauren is how, a few weeks later, The Vamps decide to go on a slut-shaming campaign against her.

“When I’m done with their scrawny white asses, The Vamps will be cancelled forever,” Dinah snarls, as Normani and Ally are typing furiously on their phones.

They all show Lauren their support on Twitter and smother her in hugs in real life until she and Camila are the only ones left in the bus lounge.

“You know they’re just stupid boys who can’t understand when girls don’t fall at their unimpressive feet, right?” Camila nudges, squeezing her shoulder for comfort. Lauren smiles and nods. “Do you need anything, Laur? I want to make you feel better.”

“Could you sleep with me tonight?” she asks, leaning against her. “I just want someone to hold me.”

Camila is more than happy to comply.

 

*

 

_there's always static on TV in this hotel room / reminds me of all the things you think i don't understand_

 

“You’re going out on a date? With  _him_?!” Lauren scoffs, crossing her arms. Camila watches her in the reflection, not daring to move while Dinah is fixing her hair. “He can’t even say your name right!”

“What’s so wrong about him?” Camila asks, with a shrug. “At least he wants me.” Lauren shudders at that and she feels bad for a moment. Only for a moment though; she can’t forget how Lauren is the main reason she’s decided to try to feel something else.

“Whatever.” Lauren rolls her eyes and leaves the room as fast as she’d appeared.

Dinah doesn’t comment on what she’d just witnessed and Camila leaves for a date that is average in all possible ways – the company, the movie they watch, the conversations, the food they eat. The kisses at the end. It’s not  _bad_  per se, just surrounded by a lull of disappointment that buzzes around in her head.

She can’t say she’s surprised when she returns to her eternally unlocked room to find Lauren still awake waiting for her. She’s not surprised when they end up having sex either – angry and hungry and demanding.

“You’re too good for him,” Lauren whispers in her ear once they’re done, holding her too tight for it to be comfortable.

“Not good enough for you,” Camila replies in a secret after Lauren drifts off to sleep.

A couple of months after, she ends the half real, half fake, definitely zero compelling thing she has with Austin anyway.

 

*

 

_and she leaves / with someone you don’t know / but she makes sure you see her / she looks right at you and bolts_

 

It shouldn’t be a surprise, but it is.

(of course it is.)

They’re all hanging out with Austin and The Vamps, having fun, enjoying their free time after the concert. There’s some alcohol involved – Dinah’s a little tipsy, Lauren is way past that – and everyone is amping up the flirting levels like it’s their business.

Camila is talking to Austin since that’s what everyone expects of her, but her attention is on Lauren. Lauren and her white dress, Lauren and her smokey green eyes, Lauren and her hair that she keeps parting from one side to the other as she laughs at everything stupid Brad says.

Lauren and the way she doesn’t know she has Camila’s heart in her hands.

How masochistic, Camila thinks, it is to love Lauren. What an utterly strenuous exercise in masochism and self-indulgence.

Lauren looks around at that very moment, their unexplainable synchrony working against Camila’s sanity, and doesn’t stop until she meets her gaze. As if it means something, like Camila wishes it did but suspects it doesn’t.

It’s a passing, fleeting moment, one where Camila’s heart shrivels under the hopes crushed by Lauren’s clinical, scared eyes, and then she’s pulling Brad out of the room and the boys are making whistling and whooping noises while the girls shout variations of “You go, Lauren!”.

Camila stays quiet and hides her shaking hands between her legs. Austin keeps talking, oblivious to everything that had just occurred, and she smiles weakly at him. He’s cute and he seems to think she’s cute. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to give him a chance.

After all, what’s another green-eyed disappointment?

 

*

 

_you sang me spanish lullabies / the sweetest sadness in your eyes_

 

“Me gustan tus ojos.”

Camila blushes, and tries her best not to look away in spite of Lauren’s attentive stare.

“¿Tienen una luz, sabes?” Lauren continues, hand escaping the covers to brush over Camila’s eyebrow. “Un brillo especial. Como si tu alma se reflejara por fuera.”

"Me gustan los tuyos también,” Camila says, endeared as she always is by Lauren’s cute accent. The sun is setting outside, casting an orange and pink-tinged light on their naked bodies. “Me gusta cómo cambian de color según la luz y cómo expresan tanto sin que tú digas nada.” She tickles the corner of Lauren’s right eye, making her laugh. “Y me encanta cómo casi desaparecen cuando te ríes.”

It’s Lauren’s turn to blush and she hides her face in the pillow with a prolonged, whiny “no” that has Camila giggling.

“Learn to take a compliment, Lauren,” she teases, exaggerating the pronunciation of her name on purpose. “Tienes una sonrisa linda sí, con los ojos pequeños y los dientitos de conejo y todo.” She sticks her tongue out and Lauren pushes her away playfully, though she shifts closer not a second after to leave a clumsy kiss on her lips.

There’s a long moment of silence, where they just study each other quietly, with soft smiles and twinkling eyes. “You’re so good to me, Camz. Thank you.”

Camila shakes her head and pulls her into a hug, pecking her face and her hair with annoying kissing noises until they both dissolve in a fit of laughter.

It’s not like she even knew how to be anything but  _good_  to Lauren.

 

*

 

_underneath the starlight, starlight / there's a magical feeling, so right / i'll steal your heart tonight_

 

They’re in the dressing room after their concert in San Juan when Dinah approaches, wrapping her arms around the shoulders of both Lauren and Camila. “Let’s do something crazy.”

“No drinking!” Lauren declares, escaping Dinah’s grasp. “I swear I’m still hungover from last night.”

“Me? Suggesting a plan with alcohol?” Dinah asks, fingers of her free hand splayed on her chest in fake shock. “The offense!”

Camila snorts, elbowing her on the side. “C’mon, Cheechee. Just tell us what’s on your mind.”

Dinah inhales sharply and makes a whole show of trying to appear very serious and very focused, until, “Skinny dipping.”

Lauren starts laughing hysterically and Camila just blinks at Dinah, unsure what to do with what she’d just heard.

“You’re serious?!” Lauren asks, breathing still erratic from laughter.

“When am I ever not?” Dinah replies, calmly. “Anyways, this wasn’t an invitation. Already bribed Jenna to drive the rental car and come bodyguard us. Meet you two in the lobby at 11:30 PM.” And with that, she just power-walks away, leaving Camila and Lauren dumbfounded and staring after her.

That’s how they find themselves in some Puerto Rican beach they wouldn’t know how to name even if their lives depended on it. It’s small and isolated, the only light reaching them being the one from the stars and the gibbous waning moon. There’s an electric feeling in the air, the sort you feel when you just know that, whatever is about to happen, you’ll never forget it until your dying breath.

They stop side by side a few feet before the sea, with Dinah in the middle, and Camila hears her take a deep breath before she yells, “Race you there!”

And suddenly they’re taking off their clothes in a rush, giggling like little girls and running to the water with awkward, uncoordinated movements.

“That’s not fair, Dinah!” Lauren shouts, splashing her in full force. “You got a head start!”

“Shut up and accept your defeat, Lauser!” She tackles Lauren and keeps her underwater for a few seconds. “I hope the water feels really nice in your free-from-chains tits.”

Camila, as the last one in the water, is watching them from a safe distance, and waits for them to stop fighting to approach.

(she will get wet when and how she wants, thanks.)

By then, Dinah and Lauren are just making fun of her and her slowpoke pace and so Camila gets annoyed and charges at Lauren, wrapping herself around her back in piggyback position.

“They’re lesbians,” Dinah jokes, in a faux-scandalized tone. “They’re lesbianing together.”

Camila tenses for a second, afraid of how Lauren will react, but she’s too happy, they’re all too happy for anything outside of their happy little bubble to affect them.

Lauren just laughs, kissing her on the cheek and squeezing her thighs. “Let’s get Dinah, two-to-one?”

“Who’s playing it unfair now?” Dinah yelps, running away in the opposite direction.

Camila beams, heart singing with pure joy, and the entire time she’s out there naked in the Atlantic Ocean, she keeps thinking of how good Lauren’s skin feels on hers.

She keeps thinking of how she wants to feel it, again and again, forever.

 

*

 

_we’ll remember tonight for the rest of our lives_

 

It’s the best night of Camila’s life.

(it still is.)

They’d gotten VIP tickets to see The 1975 in L.A. and Camila can’t handle herself with all the excitement coursing through her veins. When Ally disappears to God knows where to do God knows what once they get to the venue, she truly believes the universe is out to give her everything that she wants.

Paying attention to the concert proves harder than she’d expected. She’s loved The 1975 for so long and there’s nowhere else she’d rather be, but how can she pay attention when it’s so dark and all the songs she’s memorized long ago are so soothing to her and so filled with warm memories?

How can she pay attention when Lauren is standing right next to her?

All she feels and sees and hears is Lauren. The way her breath is heavier as she sings and there’s a hint of coconut in the smell of her hair, behind the scent of sweat and emotion that surrounds them. The way her eyes crinkle when the crowd reacts to what Matty says, the lines of her lips drawing the most awe-inspiring of smiles. The way her hands hold on to the handrail, fingers stretching and furling and gripping, like she wants to express so much more than she’s allowing herself to.

The worst part is when Lauren leans to whisper something in her ear and Camila shivers and sighs and grins back with her whole being.

That’s why Camila fidgets and turns and overall makes a fool of herself until Lauren takes a step closer and drops her hand between their bodies. No, it doesn’t mean anything but Camila doesn’t care, not when this inch of air between them has been feeling like the Great Wall of China all night and her heart is drumming wild with longing.

She pretends it’s an accident, but her pinky finds Lauren’s when  _fallingforyou_  is playing, and if they stay still until the time comes to clap, it’s merely a coincidence.

(it really might be. Camila had fallen so long ago she’s lost track of all the things that have had meaning or that have meant nothing at all. she just  _loves_.)

They go hand in hand down the corridor that leads to the band’s dressing room and spend a few minutes talking to them, taking pictures and getting their autographs. Ross is really nice and Matty a bit lost in his own head, and Camila is entirely taken with the whole experience, walking on air and dancing on clouds.

When they get to the label’s apartment, they’re still high on happiness and on the rush of the concert, an ecstatic kind of energy electrifying all their limbs. It’s only natural that they fall to bed entangled as one, the  _IV_  EP playing in the background from Lauren’s phone.

What happens next is natural too. All items of clothing are tossed aside, one by one, and suddenly Camila is lying naked on the sheets, staring up at Lauren with adoration in her eyes. She’s dreamed of her first time before, but if it’s truly about to happen, then sometimes reality can be better than fantasy after all.

“Are you sure?” Lauren asks, tracing Camila’s face with the tips of her fingers as if she were too delicate to touch.

“Yes,” Camila breathes, “I want this.” She runs her nails up and down Lauren’s back, very softly, enjoying the sensation of the other girl shivering. “I want  _you_.”

Lauren closes her eyes and buries her head in Camila’s shoulder, her body rocking against hers slowly, gently. Camila listens to her sigh, savors every single goosebump that her skin recreates in response, and hugs her with all the love that permeates any given moment they share.

“Last chance,” Lauren whispers in her ear, before kissing the spot under it with infinite tenderness, with endless patience, one two three times.

Camila laughs and flips them over so she’s on top, biting her lip seductively as she says, “Tell me what you want.”

Lauren just smirks.

(they love each other for hours, and Camila drowns and transcends in everything she had never known her body could feel.)

 

*

 

_i watched us as we changed / the feelings in my headspace rearranged / i want you more than i've wanted anyone / isn't that dangerous?_

 

Lauren doesn’t like being single, Camila has noticed. She had had that impression after Keaton, when Lauren had started harmlessly flirting with a myriad of boys – and their kissing sessions had become more frequent and also more heated.

It’s happening again now that she and Luis are no longer together, except there don’t seem to be any boys that Lauren is paying attention to, just Camila.

It fills her up with hope and warmth, and everything she sees, breathes,  _dreams_  these days comes in shades of green and tones of husk. It feels so good to be seen and catered to for once.

“Ah hell nah!” Dinah interrupts her musings as Lauren arrives, late, to the dressing room. She stops, watching Lauren’s wide-eyed gaze and lopsided grin. “Lauren, are you drunk?”

She puts her forefinger and her thumb together, winking at Camila. “A little.”

“You’re a dumbass, Lauser,” Dinah declares, passing her a bottle of water. “Drink this and get some chewing gum.”

“It was just two beers,” Lauren says, chagrined, gulping down the water rather noisily. “I’ll be fine for the concert, don’t worry.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about the concert.” Dinah fixes her with a sharp glare, her arms crossed, and Camila is as confused by it as Lauren seems to be.

“What? The fans won’t notice anything, it’s not like I’m tripping over my own feet.”

Dinah rolls her eyes and grips them both by their wrists, pulling them out of the dressing room and into the hallway. “C’mon, Ally and Mani are already waiting for us.” Lauren giggles and frees herself from her grasp to try and drape herself all over Camila, but Dinah pushes her away gently and reasserts her position in the middle. “See,  _that’s_  what I was worried about. No coming near Chancho when you’re under the influence or Imma have to show you these hands.”

Lauren looks very offended and Camila laughs, blowing her a kiss to calm her down. “Later,” she mouths, making Lauren smile from ear to ear as they both ignore Dinah’s rant, too engrossed on each other to care.

Sometimes, Camila really likes this thing of being in love.

 

*

 

_when you gonna make up your mind / when you gonna love you as much as i do_

 

“Camz?”

A little shake accompanies the call and Camila wakes up startled, scowling towards the distant light of a cell phone. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost three.”

Camila blinks, a heavy frown set on her face, and tries her best to focus on Lauren. It’s only then that she notices there are tears streaming down her face. “Lauren?” she asks, sitting up. “What’s wrong?”

“He broke up with me, Camz,” she says, voice failing. “We were talking on the phone and he said he didn’t want to wait to see me in person to do it.”

Camila pushes back her blanket and gets out of bed, pulling Lauren along with her to the lounge area and closing the door that accesses the sleeping hallway. They lie down on the couch, shuffling until they’re comfortable and facing each other.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“He said we’re always apart and he barely spends any time with me,” Lauren whimpers, rubbing her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. “Fifth Harmony is ruining my life, Camz. I don’t get to go to school like all my friends, I’m not there when they need me… I won’t even be able to go to prom!” She huffs, staring straight at Camila with red, indignant eyes. “I don’t even like these songs! They’re so fake and preppy and immature, and why do I even have to dance?!” Camila sighs, one hand moving to draw circles on Lauren’s exposed hipbone. “I’m so tired of everything and everyone, I didn’t want it to be like this.”

“Baby, you have to think of the music you want as an endgame,” Camila soothes, kissing the tip of her nose. “We already achieved the impossible. We are here, we are part of an industry that rejects 99% of the artists desperate for a chance. It’s a lot easier to move once you’re inside than it is to get in. We just have to be patient.” She brushes Lauren’s hair away from her face. “Dreams require sacrifice.”

“He said he’s started to feel attracted to a boy.”

“What?”

“Luis said there’s a guy in one of his classes he’s feeling attracted to.” Her bottom lip is wobbly and she’s putting a lot of effort in not starting to cry all over again. It breaks Camila’s heart. “He said he feels there might be something there and he doesn’t want to cheat on me.”

“Oh wow,” she squeaks against her will, eyes widened. “I… didn’t see that coming.”

“What is wrong with me, Camz? Why doesn’t anyone want to love me? Who even am I?!” The tears are falling freely now, her nose is runny, and Camila still finds her the most beautiful girl in the world. Camila still wants nothing but to love her without fear. “I’m so lost…”

She shifts then, pulls Lauren flush against her until she’s sobbing into Camila’s shoulder, and she’s never held anyone so tightly in her life, whispers of “I love you I love you I love you” a constant stream of emotion drowning in Lauren’s hair.

“Don’t leave me, Camz. Please,  _please_  don’t leave me.”

“I’m here, baby. I’ll never leave you. I love you.”

At the time, it felt like a promise she would keep.

(it still hurts that she didn’t.)

 

*

 

_lead me to your love and i / will follow you with my whole life_

 

“If you could live anywhere in the US,” Lauren starts, blowing smoke into the quiet night air, “where would it be?”

Camila crosses her arms and leans against the tour bus, watching her with curiosity. The smoking is new and she doesn’t have the courage to ask where Lauren had picked it up.

“Right here in New York,” she says, after the silence stretches for a comfortable, introspective minute. “I like how it feels so big and how there are so many people you can pretend you’re invisible because no one is paying attention anyway.”

Lauren smiles, throwing the cigarette butt to the ground to put it out with the tip of her boot before picking it back up. “Me too. Maybe we could move in together, explore the big city on our own, watch the sunrise by the Hudson, drink lattes in obscure coffee shops... I think I’d like that.”

“Why, with dear old me?” Camila teases, bumping her shoulder. “Not the boyfriend?”

“Pfft, I’m way too young for that, let’s not,” Lauren teases back, grabbing Camila’s hand to entwine their fingers. “Let’s go inside, it’s getting cold.”

Camila follows, as she always does when Lauren is leading, and they manage to watch an entire movie on Netflix before falling asleep in Lauren’s bunk bed.

 

*

 

_and how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you_

 

It’s been almost two years since Fifth Harmony started, but Camila still gets overly excited at concerts. It’s such a special energy, to be surrounded by girls you’ve come to love like sisters, facing hundreds of people chanting your names together. A portion of it is scripted – as she’s learned to be the truth about these things –, but they still manage to have genuine moments and let go of production instructions every now and then. Camila loves those parts, they fill her up with happiness and it takes a lot of self-control not to jump around and cling to each of her bandmates like a needy pet.

That’s probably why she gets distracted and ends up introducing Ally to the audience when it was her turn to introduce Lauren. She only realizes it when Ally starts speaking again, obviously sharing things about Lauren, and she has a small moment of panic, not quite understanding what had just happened. Dinah explains, Lauren confirms it and Camila ends up interrupting Ally to present Lauren herself.

She talks about her beautiful eyes and her even more beautiful mind and how she can always count on her for everything. She gets the crowd hyped for Lauren and really, there is a lot more she could say and do because Lauren’s been feeling so insecure lately and Camila just wants her to see how loved and important she is.

Lauren deserves only the best things in life and, as Camila hugs her after she’s done with her little speech and smiles her brightest, most loving smile, she hopes Lauren starts believing that too.

 

*

 

_all her torment and her pain / leaked through and covered me_

 

Something like this was to be expected, Camila just didn’t know when exactly it would happen. Lauren had started withdrawing from her in public contexts or when there were cameras around, but she hadn’t paid it much mind because they’ve remained as close as ever in private and that was what mattered the most to her.

She’d cringed a little when Lauren started going all “my boyfriend, yes, my boyfriend, Luis,” somewhat too persistently during the interview and the looks she’d exchanged with Dinah were enough proof that she wasn’t the only one feeling a wave of second-hand embarrassment.

“I am so tired of this bullshit, Camz,” Lauren is saying, now that they’re back in the lounge area of their tour bus and the other girls had already gone to bed. “Why can’t they respect my relationship?”

Camila winces, and grabs one of Lauren’s hands so she sits next to her on the couch instead of pacing back and forth. “Being a fan is… a very unique thing. You love this person so much and you want to support them in everything they do even if they never even know who you are. And somehow you want to see yourself represented in this person – or these people, whatever – so you start projecting ideas onto them.”

“But what is it about me?” Lauren asks, a tinge of desperation in her tone that pulls at Camila’s heartstrings. “Why do they look at me and think… I’m gay? I have a boyfriend!”

She seems so scared, so small, and she’s staring at her like Camila holds all the answers in the universe, so Camila swallows the  _‘But bisexuals’_  retort she has on the tip of her tongue and hugs her instead. “I don’t know why they do that, but there’s nothing wrong with you, okay, Laur? You’re perfect.”

Lauren smiles – Camila can feel it on her skin – and squeezes her closer.

“Does it bother you, Camz?” She moves a few inches back to fix her with those hypnotizing green eyes of hers. “The camren thing? That there are people out there who have nothing better to do than to obsess about us?”

Camila shrugs, thinking that there are worse ways of developing a fandom than people dreaming about you in a torrid lesbian affair.

Then again, her feelings for Lauren are quite real so it would be hypocritical of her to be bothered by their fans.

“Don’t let it get to you,” she advises quietly, thumb drawing patterns on Lauren’s back. “They can say whatever they want, but you’re the only one who knows the truth. We can’t control what they say, only what we do.”

Lauren nods, drinking in her words as if they’re gospel, and rests her head on Camila’s shoulder, who feels oddly intimidated by the display of trust. It’s a most delicate thing, to have Lauren confide in her about a topic that makes her so uncomfortable, and Camila holds on to it for the treasure it is.

They end up falling asleep right there, and Camila doesn’t let go of Lauren until the next morning.

 

*

 

_every night my mind is running around her / and it's getting louder and louder and louder_

 

Lauren plops her feet down on Camila’s legs as she lies back on the tour bus’s couch, removing the bookmark from  _Gone Girl_  and dropping it on her belly.

Camila hums in greeting, eyes not leaving the copy of  _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_  she’d borrowed from her. She loves it because it has passages underlined and notes scribbled all over the margins, making her feel closer to Lauren, as if they’re sharing the experience.

For about an hour, they sit there in companionable silence, each lost in their respective universe, but all good things must come to an end. All too soon, Dinah Jane walks in with a UNO deck in her hand and a giggling Normani behind her.

“Alright, nerds!” She places the deck on the table and claps her hands. “Enough with all that boredom; the second most popular 5H ship is here to entertain y’all!”

Lauren throws a pillow in Dinah’s general direction and Camila sets her book down to glare at her friend. “Reading is  _not_  boring! It’s way more interesting than spending all your time on social media!”

“What Camz said,” Lauren offers with a dismissive hand gesture, face still hidden in the pages she’s trying to concentrate on.

“Nuh-uh!” Dinah steps closer, takes the book away from her hands and sets it down, still open, next to the cards on the table. “None of that attitude! You already had your intellectual camren time, now it’s playtime!”

“Maybe you guys should be the ones having intellectual time,” Camila grunts, pushing Lauren’s legs off of her lap. “A little culture never hurt anyone, you know?”

“Whatever,” Normani says, sitting on the nearest chair. “It’s not like this bus is stopping anytime soon, you can read later.”

Camila sighs, exchanging a pointed look with Lauren. The others just don’t get it, they never have.

There’s a planet that’s just Lauren and Camila, and everyone else orbits around it.

 

*

 

_instead of stressed i lie here charmed / ‘cause there's nothing else to do / every me and every you_

 

Camila looks up from her MacBook, spooked by the creaking door, but smiles when she spots Lauren moving towards her.

They’re in L.A., in one of Epic’s apartments, and Camila’s gotten used to keeping her room unlocked. Just in case. For nights like this.

“Whatcha doing?” Lauren asks, snuggling up to her and kissing her naked shoulder.

“Meeting Ariana today made me miss  _Victorious_ ,” she replies, pressing play after leaving a peck on Lauren’s cheek.

“You two got along great, and hella fast too.” From the corner of her eyes, Camila can see Lauren pursing her lips. “She was all over you the entire time.”

“Don’t be jealous, Laur,” Camila teases, elbowing her. “You’re number one in my heart.”

“I’m not jealous.”

“Sure.”

“I’m not!”

“Shut up, this is the episode where Jade and Tori go on a date and you’re distracting me.”

“Go on a date?” Lauren scoots even closer, staring at the screen for the first time. “Are they gay?”

“I wish they were.”

Camila wishes a lot of things were gayer, in fact, and as she notices Lauren exchanging texts with Luis, she forces herself to focus all her attention on Tori and Jade swirling around to  _Take a Hint_.

 

*

 

_i was there when you fell from the clouds / and landed in the desert / there was a thunder inside of my heart_

 

Camila tends to think of love as grand gestures of magnificence and passion. She thinks of chocolates and flowers and stuffed animals; special dates where both people are dressed up and the dinner goes a bit over budget but no one can be bothered to care.

She’s a romantic at heart, one of those dreamers that places lovers on top of a mountain and is perpetually sentenced to climb that one mountain where their love awaits, too high to be reached.

Eyes closed, she travels through perfect kisses and butterfly-kissed stomachs, embraces in the rain and fervent declarations where at least one knee is most definitely on the ground.

That is, perhaps, the reason why she’d never quite considered the small things, never quite paid attention when someone talked about stolen glances or a particular, fantasy-inducing outfit. Those are harder to capture in fiction, and almost impossible to conjure without the experience of your heart swallowing your whole chest in its sudden explosion.

And that is probably why, when she wakes up in her bunk bed during the very first Fifth Harmony tour, the landscape of the Mojave Desert the infinite outside her window, she isn’t even remotely prepared for what’s about to happen.

Rolling out of bed with no trace of grace, she drags her feet to the common area of the bus where she can already hear the girls talking, and stops on the threshold of the hallway watching them.

It’s the littlest thing (it always is). Lauren is standing in front of Normani, wearing one of Camila’s t-shirts as a makeshift pajama, and she’s laughing, loud and carefree. She notices Camila arriving and there’s a twinkle in her green eyes, a sparkle that burns with warmth and secrets, and that’s the exact moment Camila knows.

 _This_  is what feels like to be in love.

 

*

 

_see you, breathe you / i want to be you_

 

2013 is going by so fast, a combination of normal life and newfound musical responsibilities. Camila loves it. She gets to keep everything she already liked about her past life and add Lauren to the mix.

They get together with the other girls to film the music video for  _Miss Movin’ On_ , which seems oddly fitting now that Lauren and Keaton are no longer a thing. Camila is a ball of energy, so insanely happy and elated that she is aware some of the adults in their team are tired just from being around her.

She doesn’t care. Lauren is happy too and Camila can’t take her eyes off of her. The leather jacket is giving her some kind of rebel look that has Camila tingling and daydreaming, and it becomes a little embarrassing when the set is full of cute boys and most of her bandmates have their flirting mode on and Camila is just standing there, delirious with joy and drunk on Lauren.

Dinah calls it a girl crush, and her mom says she’s enamoured with the idea of being someone’s favorite. Camila likes to think of it as respect and admiration, an encounter of soulmates but in friend form.

What else could it be anyway?

(she knows it’s weird to think of Lauren every night before sleeping, and to stare at her lips sometimes, but she doesn’t think there’s a problem in loving someone so much your world merges with theirs.)

 

*

 

_‘cause she's so high / high above me, she's so lovely_

 

Fifth Harmony came in third in  _The X-Factor_  and it didn’t even matter because they’re getting signed by Simon anyway. Camila feels like she’s walking on clouds and now she gets to spend some time in Miami until their new life kickstarts. Miami, where Lauren also lives – and getting to be so close to her after what they’d been through during the show means more than Camila can express.

They don’t see each other every day because their parents won’t let them, but they try – and they’re in constant communication and always making plans.

That’s how Camila ends up meeting Lucy Vives for the first time.

It’s just a casual hangout at Lauren’s place, but when Camila gets there, a bag of popcorn in hand, Lauren opens the door with a girl behind her.

“Camz!” she greets, eyes turning into slits with how much she’s smiling. “I invited Lucy too!”

Lucy, as it turns out, is gorgeous and unreasonably cool and she’s been best friends with Lauren for years. Camila doesn’t want to, but she can’t help how small and intimidated she feels.

She can’t help the jealousy either.

Lucy and Lauren laugh at private jokes and get into deep arguments about human nature and Camila watches, as if from the shadows. She doesn’t dare intervene in their dance of thoughts that flow around and into each other, in their battle of sentences that aren’t complete until there’s a reply; she doesn’t dare sit too close for fear of catching secret smiles and smitten looks.

Leaning sadly against the back of the swivel chair in Lauren’s bedroom, Camila wonders if maybe hers aren’t the only lips Lauren kisses in the dark of night, when nothing but the moon is there to see.

 

*

 

_all i know is that you're so nice / you're the nicest thing i've seen_

 

For all the attention she’s been getting online since the show started, Camila still hasn’t quite managed to learn how to deal with hate directed at her. She’s aware the internet is a world on its own, where you can both make friends and see things you really wish you could unsee, but there’s something disturbingly intimate about personal attacks, even from someone who’s never met you and doesn’t know you. Some days she brushes it off without much thought, but today everything is sticking to her skin like sweat.

“What’s wrong, Camz?” Lauren asks, noticing her pout. They’re in bed already, half-sitting half lying down, just spending a few minutes reading and checking their phones before sleeping.

“They’re calling me ugly, Laur,” she replies, her bottom lip wobbly as her voice wavers with sadness.

“What?! Give me that.” Lauren snatches her iPhone and does something on it, before dropping it in the space between their bodies and starting to type furiously on hers. “There,” she says once she’s done, sounding proud of herself. “Fixed it.”

Camila checks her phone’s screen to see Lauren had replied to one of the tweets and smiles a little, heart still heavy.

“Camz, baby, don’t listen to them.” Lauren’s proud grin fades and she moves nearer, one arm settling around Camila’s shoulders while the hand of the other rests on her thigh. “These fuckers are just trying to get a rise out of you. They know  _nothing_  about how beautiful you are, inside and out.”

“You’re just saying that,” Camila whispers around a shrug.

Lauren sighs, collecting both their phones and the book she’d been reading and placing them on her nightstand. She lies down and instructs Camila to do the same, turning the light off when she finally complies.

“Come here, princess.” Camila pouts again, but shuffles until the entire length of her body is touching Lauren’s and her head is snuggled on the girl’s chest. “Your smile lights up an entire room and you have more talent and determination than all of Twitter.” She kisses the top of Camila’s head. “You’re the most beautiful to me, okay?”

Camila smiles, squeezing Lauren impossibly closer, and leaves a chaste kiss on her exposed collarbone. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

*

 

_this love / this love is a strange love / it doesn’t know it is love / it doesn’t mean a thing / this love_

 

They’re laughing in bed and it’s later than reasonable. The lamp on Lauren’s side is still on, illuminating them with a soft golden glow, and Camila is so lost in the moment she just goes ahead and drops a peck on Lauren’s lips.

The room grows eerily quiet after that and Camila bites her bottom lip, feels heat creep up from her neck to her face.

“Your face is matching your PJ, pink princess,” Lauren says, a little flustered and reaching for the light switch. “We should sleep.”

Camila tries to find a name for the pang in her chest that makes it hard to breathe when Lauren turns so her back is to her. She thinks it will be the first time they fall asleep without cuddling, but then Lauren pulls Camila’s hand around her waist and they blend together like the colors in a rainbow.

 

*

 

_i wanna be the one you're guiding / 'cause i believe that you could lead the way_

 

This girl group is a fun business, Camila thinks, pressed between Lauren and Dinah and with Ally practically stepping on her feet. It’s like whenever people want to interview them, they have to huddle them up and make them occupy as little space as possible.

Not that she cares when it’s so cozy to have Dinah’s arm on her shoulders and Lauren’s around her waist, her own propped forward to rest her hand on Ally’s stomach. The only one she isn’t touching is Normani and she would if she could reach her.

“To be honest, my dream is just to be here, like, I just wanna do this for the rest of my life,” she says, in answer to the interviewer. Lauren coos and starts tickling her cheek, which gets her feeling all self-conscious and she pulls a face to avoid her blush. “That would be the ultimate dream.”

“With me,” Lauren teases, finger still poking her cutely, her eyes sparkling with affection and focused on her.

“No,” Camila replies, gaze moving from Lauren’s eyes to her lips and back.

“Yes.”

“Yeah,” she relents, unable to resist Lauren when she looks at her like that.

“Admit it!” Lauren persists, playfully leaning into her.

“Yeah!”

They start laughing, absorbed in each other for a second until they remember they’re not alone and turn back to the camera.

The thing is, there was a lot of truth in that interaction. Music had been one of her biggest dreams, but after meeting Lauren? The two could not be separated anymore.

 

*

 

_all an illusion / caught upon the webs you spun_

 

It’s kind of exciting, this unexpected devotion strangers are bestowing on them. Their follower count on social media keeps rising and everyone wants to talk to them, ask them questions, know their likes and dislikes.

In a day like any other Fall day, when they’re bored and craving attention, Lauren and Camila turn to Twitter, letting their fans know they’re around. They love them, they’re obsessed with their friendship, 7 out of 10 tweets are fellow teens gushing about how cute they are around each other. In fairness, Lauren and Camila  _are_  obsessed with each other too, or Camila thinks they are. There’s a connection there, something she’d never felt before, like a pull, a calling – something that tells her Lauren  _makes sense_  somewhere deep inside.

Despite it all, Camila is still surprised when Lauren starts giggling next to her before shoving her phone on her face.

**_@guydirectioner2 @camilacabello97_  ** _it’s Camren yo_

She giggles again, at Camila’s startled expression, and then pecks her on the lips amidst a cheeky grin.

They don’t stop laughing until Ally comes calling them for rehearsal.

 

*

 

_who gave you eyes like that and said you could keep them_

 

Lauren and Keaton start dating and Camila thinks nothing of it.

Two weeks later, Lauren kisses Camila again. They’re sitting on the floor of their room, leaning into each other as they share the best parts of their favorite books, when it happens.

“Is it okay?” Lauren asks, breathless from a kiss that’s all lips and surprises. “Is it okay if we just kiss sometimes?”

Camila is dazed, so dazed, by the plump mouth and the soft, insecure edge around Lauren’s voice, and by the way her eyes shine on her and make Camila feel naked. So dazed she doesn’t remember acquiescing to anything, just her hand shyly settling behind Lauren’s neck and getting lost among tresses of thick, dark hair.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Lauren whimpers, forehead against Camila’s, noses nudging each other cutely.

Camila thinks nothing of that either.

Not then.

 

*

_don't you wish that we could forget that kiss?_

 

She’s 15 and she looks at Lauren like she’s never seen anything so special in her whole life. It’s not something she can help. Whenever the other girl is present, her attention floats towards her, around her, as if Camila is a moon and Lauren is her planet.

She doesn’t think much of it. She’s content with their easy affection and the secrets they share in Spanish when everyone is near and no one cares to understand. She’s happy with how they cuddle up to each other whenever they share a bed or a couch.

That starts changing the night they stay up late playing truth or dare with most of the contestants left in  _The X-Factor_. Camila is nervous – she’s always felt that game is made for people with experience to brag about what they’ve done while the unexperienced ones just sit back and feel uncomfortable –, but Lauren is right next to her, her shield and her safety net.

Maybe that’s enough for the bottle not to spin her way.

It isn’t, sadly, but it spins only once and Ally is the one on the other end.

“Truth or dare, Mila?” she asks with a cute chuckle.

Camila doesn’t know what possesses her to ask for truth. Ally would never give her a difficult or scandalous dare, it’s not in her nature to humiliate or bring harm.

“How was your first kiss?”

She blushes profusely, forgetting how to speak. It’s the hardest it’s ever felt to have all eyes on her.

“I… I don’t…” she stutters, hands balling into fists inside her crossed legs. “I’ve never kissed anyone.”

Ally stares at her with regret in her eyes and Camila looks down, too embarrassed to remember it’s her turn to spin the bottle and ask someone else to play. Normani shifts to do it in her stead, and soon Lauren is excusing herself over having to wake up early the next day and pulling Camila along with her.

They get ready for bed in silence in the room they share, and Camila fidgets awkwardly, waiting to use the bathroom, gaze stuck on her banana socks as she wiggles her toes. Lauren comes out at last, hair up in a messy bun, her t-shirt so baggy the shorts Camila knows she’s wearing are lost underneath.

Camila’s breath catches in her throat and she blinks, cheeks pink and mouth unsure of what to do.

“Is it true, Camz?” Lauren asks, coming closer, making Camila’s heart jump. “You’ve never kissed anyone?”

She nods, suddenly finding the floor fascinating, and holds on tighter to the hem of her The 1975 t-shirt.

“Do you want to?” Camila looks up then, wide-eyed, to find Lauren studying her, an expression of concern adorning her features. “It’s okay, you know? Things happen to people at different times. There’s nothing to feel ashamed about.”

“C–Can you show me?” Camila stammers in a bout of courage, blushing even more, now tingly and hot all over. “I don’t want to look bad when it’s someone I like,” she rushes out as soon as her brain catches up to her words, bowing her head.

Lauren lifts her chin up with just a finger, tickling the scar Camila has there. She hypnotizes her with the intensity of her green eyes and shrugs with just one shoulder, a ghost of a smile painting her lips in more enticing colors than any lipstick ever could.

“Are you sure?” she asks, so gently Camila has to lean forward to hear.

“Yes,” she whispers, already feeling the puffs of air Lauren is breathing into her mouth.

“Last chance.”

Camila closes her eyes, and takes a leap of faith.

 

 

_the saddest part of a broken heart isn’t the ending so much as the start_

**Author's Note:**

> penny for your thoughts? pretty please? <3


End file.
